Picture Imperfect

For years now, I have had a volatile relationship with my photographic nemesis: Olan Mills. Specializing in the church directory business, this company has managed to capture our family – and, more importantly, ME – at our very worst time after time.

And yesterday was no exception.

My husband and I took the girls for what we hoped would be a quick and relatively painless photo session at our church for the upcoming pictorial directory. We should have known things were not going to move along quickly, however, when we walked in and found five families waiting outside the makeshift photography studio – including one couple with a poodle dressed in ridiculous pink bows. “Her name is Brandi Madison,” the owner offered defensively to no one in particular, “and she’s part of our family.” Alrighty then.

We proceeded to wait over 30 minutes before getting called back to have our family portrait taken. This part of the process took approximately 120 seconds, as the photographer (and I use this term loosely) rushed us through a series of uncomfortable and unnatural poses, hurriedly snapping shots as if we were keeping her from lunch. But THEN we had to go back out to the waiting area until they called us back to review our proofs, which turned into another 20 minute delay.

When we were allowed to go back and view our photos, we got possibly the worst salesman (again, a VERY loose term) ever. Now I’m all about avoiding high pressure sales pitches, but this guy was so low pressure that he barely registered a pulse. He never introduced himself, never outlined clear objectives for our meeting, never told us what we would get for free (there was a rumor that you would receive a complimentary 8x10 for participating in the directory). When I asked for a price list – because our salesman had never offered any kind of information – he had to retrieve his out of the trash can. Screams professionalism, doesn’t it?!?

But as it turns out, the price list would be utterly unnecessary. Because the photos were REALLY bad, even by Olan Mills standards. Sure, my husband and daughters looked decent, but I looked hideous. I’ll admit that I can’t blame Olan for my hair (why is it that any time a camera is pointed my way, my hair suddenly becomes limp and unsightly?!?), but I can blame them for the cheap background, the contortionist poses, the rushed smiles and the bad lighting.

When it became evident that we were NOT impressed with the photography, our salesman perked up a little and started showing us ways we could display our inferior portraits. With the click of his mouse, he added a tacky rectangular and then even tackier oval frame – as if THIS would mask the sub-standard snapshots within – and then tried to tell us that Olan Mills had come up with an innovative new product. It was called a MONTAGE. I’m fairly certain that Olan did not originate placing more than one photo on a mat at a time, but then again, I’m a skeptic. I never fully bought into Al Gore inventing the Internet, either.

Just a few more mentions about our salesman and then I’ll let it go. Honest. Since his price list was in the trash can and we were clearly not interested in a $300 to $500 package of photos, he started making up a la carte pricing. The $20 5x7 print of the girls we ended up purchasing had previously been estimated at $60 – but when we started to walk, suddenly the price went down. Amazing how that works! And finally, we asked him to verify the spelling of our last name for the church directory since it is unusual. True to form, our hot-shot salesman pulled out the sheet I had filled out instead of checking what he entered in the computer. I know I can spell my name – I wanted to know if HE could.

So in the end, there is good news and bad news. Our pictorial directory entry will be small and therefore hopefully not too offensive or embarrassing. However, they only produce a directory like this every six years or so…so fellow church members will spend the better part of the next decade thinking I’m completely unattractive.

Oh well. In life, you have to choose your battles and, as a friend says, I choose not to die on this Olan Mills hill today. But in one last attack, you must check out the following link, which displays Olan’s incredible artistry:

http://listoftheday.blogspot.com/2007/09/great-olan-mills-photos.html

Say cheese!